By: Aaron Darling, Professional Cynacist, Amateur Sheep Racing Enthusiast
We here at Galactigeek believe in bringing you the most current and accurate news, consolidated from the best reporting of the day, to help you, our reader, make informed decisions. Unfortunately, nothing of consequence has come from any corporate news source for quite some time. Necessity has dictated we develop a recurring daily report that, since its inception, hasn’t needed to change much and does not appear will need updating for the foreseeable future.
- 5:45am EST – President Trump Tweets something from his morning constitutional that either should have been proof read by PR or is a brilliant tactical diversion. Best sources continue to be flummoxed which.
- 6am EST – Left leaning news corporations pounce on the 140 character bait hook; employing vast resources to find any trace of offense and ensure that both terms “racist” and “bigot” are incorrectly used.
- 6:30am EST – Right leaning news corporations latch onto common arguments between the two sides in a clumsy attempt to defend the president at any cost. Little common sense is employed and the self awareness meter readings register no higher than those of their left leaning counterparts.
- 6:40am EST – Most Americans turn off the news.
- 9am EST – Mid-morning shows featuring angry commentators lash out at anything that moves, particularly the president’s tweet of the day. Nothing of consequence is communicated and no one is watching anyway.
- Noon-4:59pm EST – The morning news is rehashed continuously; still no one is watching.
- 5pm EST – Evening news rehashes morning news; this time with older news readers and better camera filters.
- 8pm EST – California gets home from work, turns on the news and decides again that being their own communist country would somehow be an improvement on the situation.